According to an article in the New York Times, “Barricades and padlocks closed access to federal facilities across the country Tuesday as the vast machinery of the federal government began systematically shutting down operations for the first time in nearly two decades.”
…As if we didn’t already know that. The real question, however, remains unanswered: What if Ohio University shut down like the government did?
First off, we’d naturally make some sort of fest out of it. Like during last year’s notorious Fugitive Fest, when an armed fugitive near Athens led to the shut down of campus and a university-wide celebration, we’d buy a round for our friends. Or five. We’d tweet about how cool our school is, make creative puns about what’s going on (“In honor of the gunman, let’s take ‘shots’!”) and laugh at the other lowly schools conducting class.
Daring freshmen would flock to the bars, eager to have their first bar experiences while security wasn’t ID’ing, and Greek life would congregate at The Crystal. Things would begin to get a bit out of hand, and OUPD wouldn’t be around to stop it because, hey, the entire institution would be shut down. Chaos would ensue, as couches would be lit in honor of the Palmer Fest 2009 incident, public nudity would increase and there’d be an imminent rise in violence in the streets.
Day by day, the party would become less exciting and more mundane. Greek life would still congregate at The Crystal, but other bars would slowly start to lose business. The O’Bleness Hospital Emergency Room would be packed, increasing the normal three hour wait to at least six hours.
And in the meantime, freshmen would be experiencing symptoms of malnourishment and starvation, as the dining halls have closed. Implementing their primal instincts, they would resort to burglary, theft and the occasional use of physical assault to meet their animalistic needs.
Eventually, the survivors would disperse, traveling to their hometowns in their cars or (in the case of the freshmen) in the back of their mom’s cars. Ohio University would close down and tumbleweeds would slowly begin to roll down Court Street.
We would have witnessed the end, and we would transfer to those other mundane schools, constantly fighting off the craving for a Big Mamma’s burrito.
…Let’s just say it’s nice to know that our school is more reliable than our government.
For all of those who are wondering, Ohio University shut down for about a month in 1970 due to violent Vietnam War Demonstrations. It reopened the following year, and all was right with the world.